Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The First Episode: Pre-Zombie Awareness Mistakes

     Oh we have sooo much to talk about. Mistakes were made my friends. Massive, life ending mistakes. Now giving our hero the benefit of the doubt, we're going to break these down into pre and post Zombie awareness mistakes. I don't have a lot of experience with people waking up from comas after several months, but I would assume that in a normal situation if you wake up from a coma there are lovely people to feed you ice chips and apple sauce and put cold compresses on your forehead. So our hero gets mad props for waking up weak and disheveled, ripping medical devices from his flesh and becoming almost immediately ambulatory. We'll discuss the mistakes he makes before he becomes zombie-aware, but we won't judge him too harshly for these lapses...
    Before we go there however, let's define for the duration just exactly what kind of zombies we are dealing with here. On a scale of 1-10 where 1 is a "head cocked to the side, extreme slow shuffle zombie" and 10 is an "I am Legend" zombie (shudder) the zombies featured on the show are probably about a 4.5 (this rating may be revised as we learn more zombie details). The good news is that they are non-runners (NOTHING in this world is more terrifying than the un-dead when they can sprint) and can be taken out with a good whack to the head. They also have a very long ZTT (Zombie Turn-around Time). This is how long it takes a person to become a zombie once infected. This is GREAT news because immediate ZTT is terrifying and wreaks havok among all groups of survivors. An excellent example of this is the zombies in the movie "24 Weeks Later". Those zombies score a 9.5 on the zombie scale by the way due to their extremely short ZTT and their incredible speed. The "Legend" Zombies beat them out by a hair only due to their super-strength, higher reasoning, and super scary appearance. But I digress....
    In order to become infected with the Zombie virus you have to be bitten or possibly scratched by one of the undead. This is so much more convenient than an airborne/waterborne/mystery transmission Zombie virus because if you are AWESOME and prepared you can avoid the heartbreak of Zombie infection vs. just getting stricken down due to bad luck. Another plus with these zombies that should limit the transmission rate is that if they get close enough to get you it's a darn good possibility that you won't live to become infected since you will be messily consumed. I mean c'mon if you're stupid enough to get so close to one of these suckers that you get scratched/bitten they probably have you cornered and it's a slim chance that there will be enough of you left over to join the legions of the undead. So that's what our heroes are up against. All in all I'd say it's pretty good news all around!
    Our hero Rick, wakes from his coma and quickly realizes that all is not right with the world. He wanders around for a bit and the place is abandoned and destroyed and then he looks through a door and sees a really nasty body that's all messed up. This should be kind of a watershed moment for Rick. In any situation like this you gotta play worse-case scenario/best-case scenario where best case is maybe a wild animal got into the already abandoned hospital and partially ate an already dead body and worst case is zombie uprising (worst case is ALWAYS zombie uprising...) He sees a door that's been padlocked with creepy white fingers coming through the cracks and to his credit goes the other way. Then he makes massive error #1. He goes into the dark stairwell with no light. RICK! Dude! Even in a best case scenario wild animals are on the loose and there may be more dead bodies out there. Do you really want to step ankle-deep in something wet and squishy in BARE FEET?  No my friends, you don't. He should have scoured the hospital for a flashlight, busted into some vending machines for a temporary food/water stash, and found another exit.
   He wanders out into the light like a helpless newborn kitten and sees row upon row of bodies. So now he should know that the needle is heavily tipping toward the the worst case scenario end of the meter. Then (angels should sing a bit here...) he stumbles upon a military camp that is in good order but abandoned. What luck! A goldmine of survival supplies! Flashlights and first aid kits in every vehicle! Bottled Water! MRE's! Friggin SHOES dude! Guns! Ammo! Machetes! Bullet Proof Vests! Flares!! I think from this you can imagine the scream of frustration that I let out when Rick shuffled through the camp in a hospital gown and bare feet without even rifling through a single tent! Massive, life-ending oversight #2 Rick. Forgiven only because you just woke up from a coma.
    Rick stumbles on and sees a half decomposed zombie flailing in the grass. OK most people would head right into the "I'm dreaming" part of their mind at this point and who can blame them. But you dear readers with the right preparation (if you're still with me you're already preparing...) will be able to move from the Zombie Denial Phase (ZDP) to the Zombie Acceptance Phase (ZAP) so much quicker than the average Joe (and the faster you can do that, the faster you can start killing zombies friends). Rick at this point decides that a riding a bike would be a great idea- this is the first of many bad transportation decisions but more on that later, and arrives home. He cries on the floor for a bit (still in ZDP) and then walks out of the house. At this point I was screaming at the TV "Jeans! Water! You're a cop - Guns! SHOES!! leave the house with SOMETHING Dude!" Mistake #3.
   He sits on his stoop, sees a Zombie heading his way shuffling down the street, and then promptly gets whacked in the head with a shovel. He has been taken out by a dad and his son who are obviously SURVIVORS and all I can think is "Thank God that somebody is going to take this poor boy under their wing as he obviously has ZERO zombie coping skills". They tie him up to make sure that his wound is not a bite which is an excellent precaution and shows a very good awareness of the ZTT (it turns out that they have first-hand experience in this area). Then they let him wake up, make sure he's not infected and then give him THE BRIEFING. So now he knows, and he'd better get with the program because I'm not going to be so forgiving in judging his post-briefing mistakes....

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